A Whole New Shit

After a long journey to the new year, 2014.. my life fall down together in a million pieces. That pieces is really missing some of them are gone really. I don't even know where to start this for real. Okay lemme just flashing back.
The new year's eve party, some people think they're always right about new year's eve party. In some word I do agree with them, in most of word I don't. Have you watch New Year's Eve movie? That movie is really give me a whole new perspective to see what life is. It has so many stories on it, which all of them are connected each other. It's true. Sometimes in life, something is naturally connected each other without permission or approval. Maybe your life connected to someone you met on the bus on the way home, maybe your life connected to stranger is speaking loudly with someone on his/her phone. Life is a big shit of mystery. You can be disagree with me that's your rights. Life is the most exciting adventure, horror, romance, comedy, thrilling, violence, fantasy, fiction and whatever you name it-movie and book. Anything can happen, but things are happens for reason.Let's say if God is there answering every prayers every second. God must be smart and have a million phone to answer every prayers and God must be have the most cool gadget to make it happen. New year's eve is where the craziest gets party, gets drunk, gets crazy and thinks they own the world. I was one of the craziest and maybe it was nothing to be proud of but somehow I really love it and it was always be the part of me and I really live with it.

Breaking up.

It's suck when you finally getting kicked by something you trully care about and you trully think that this is yours. And abandon, is the worse. Feeling abandon is the most worse feeling ever. I mean everybody wants to be taking care, wants to be loved and none want to be feel forgotten.

I guess, these past four year is really giving me something to earn back to learn about. No matter how hard you tries to keep it, no matter how hard you tries to pretend everything's gonna be just fine and everything's fine nothing's happen we can make it work, maybe that was the sign for you to stand down and backing off. Time to go. Four year is not one of the short time and I give no shit on it. I meant every single words I've made and everything I've done to this piece shit of love. I want to make it work, I want to make it better. This is my time to move back and leave everything I've built for the last four year with something I've faith on. But it's worth to be remembered and to be kept in one nice pretty box fills with pending dreams, random memories, and we can make it no access to it. I hope so.

But something tells me... You're beautiful, you're smart, you're kind, you're true, you have the most prettiest teeth, and thank you for saying all of that pretty things.

Don't Be Such a Snitch

Dear my friend, Kim Jun / Jun Kim.

Please tell me is your name Kim Jun or Jun Kim. You must be suspected me as a freak girl who tells about my freaking' life, I bet you were, because if you weren't you must be the same freak as I was, wasn't you?

I'm not perfect. I can't do that. Lemme be honest with you, I ruined my life. First I ruined my friendship because a single stupid case when my dissappearances was eventually bothering my friends, my team mate and my class mate. I barely have an excuses for that, I was lookin' for that lately turns out it's getting me obsessed searching somethin' I barely know, I barely care. They left me without telling me what did I do wrong, fatal, so they left me across the class when everyone was talking and here I was, lonely. Then my choice is skipped classes. It's all bulshit.

I hate school. I want to quit it's just I don't want to hurt mom. She's my life. She feed me, she cost me, she makes me alive. What will happen if I tell her I skipped to many classes so bad and it made me skipped to many tests, then made me becoming the new loser? I don't want to. She already bring me to the top of her proudness, her dreams, she put everything she ever dreamt in her life, she want me to do that. But I'm not her, everytime I convinces her 'I don't want to do everything you ever wanted, mom. I want to do everything I ever wanted for, everything I dreamt for.'

I studied Public Relations these past two years. I love it, I really do. But eventually it makes me wondering, are people really studying Public Relations because they love it? Because they want to learn it or either they want to earn money by it? When I entered college in September 2011, I was right away graduating from high school, I choosed Communication Science because it was the only department without Math and Science skills, even we do need that one or two semester, and you know what I didn't passed Statistic I've got an D. Pathetic yet what? Can you gimme some idea?

Turns out I really want to start up a business. Homemade business run by me, everything is homemade. Necklaces, bracelets, rings, earings, purse, clutch, denim, clothing hommies, and everythings are mine. I never get a chance to convince my mom at least lemme just try, you never know if you never try. Behind those plans the weapons are when we do it, if we didn't, what is the plans made for? Am I right?

And there is just too many untalked subjects between me and mom who haven't discovered yet, she had a rule: my house my rules, you don't like it get out.

My relationship goes smoothly and well. We haven't had any huge problems, any fights are just a small ones, we loved each other I guess. One small thing turns bigger when I told him I had a tiny fizzle of updating my life to newer concept. Like what am I gonna do this week. I used to have many plans for us in weekend dates, or friday night date, or saturday night day and sunday date. I used to love when those days are came, but now I felt just like nothing. When I told him my flutterness is about to come bigger, he doesn't understand of how I feel about this. I mean I love him, so much. We have beautiful plans together in future, he lives in my future for sure. We were just don't talk about this I guess, all these what inside me he just had two words, 'yeah I know babe, I feel the same way' and 'please believe me everything's just going to be alright and I'll be here forever', and something turns out sounded similar and nothing's change really between us. I felt like he never knows me as well as I knew him, he never listen to me that well, he never been in my dreams, he wasn't there. In these four years, this is the day when I discovering so many decllines and trapped on our own relationship. Do you still hear me now? I'm soooo sorry if this is all boring and not interesting to you reading someone elses problems.

I don't know what to do.

Somehow, I want to take an impromptu trips to everywhere it go, but I don't have much money to do it.

Good news is I was planning to go to Bali come next Spring in January with my girl friend, only us two. Flukely we have same problems and same unsolved things and we decided to go together as two losers, who wants some wildness. You know what I mean? Friends of mine tells me it's not safe when two people have some problems taking a vacation together in Bali. Bali is the blunder island I guess. There are so many great night clubs, beaches, street clubs, shopping street (like what you got there in your place somethin' called kosmeroad, am I right, maybe?), and everything you needed fo fun. I'll go in five days I guess. Just for let you know, my mom doesn't know about this. Don't be such a snitch okay? I'm begging you. It supposed to my trip with classmate to Jakarta & Bandung for five days, it calls company visit. Instead of going to boring unnecessary trip it's useless for me I guess, I will find my own pleasure. I know it's call cheating from my mom and lying to my mom, please forgive me for this. This is the only pleasure I can get, it's still four months away, it will gives me time to think. I'm evil I know that. I haven't told boyfriend, I'm sure he's going to be super mad of my ideas of my very own version of pleasure, by cheating my mom I guess.

STOP ME.

How about you? I want to hear everything! College how's that? Smooth? Nice?

Learning from your levity, I suggest you have to do it now or never.

Don't be tired of me bcs sure there is more emails coming up.

xoxo

(Another email to Kim Jun)

I'll Be Back Soon

As you can see I'm very good when people had problems and somehow I donated my very own solution and stuff. Now, I needed one. I don't know where to go. I have been seeing some people who good at it but it's getting me suppressed everytime I came to see them and they put me to 'she had problems' box. It's kinda makes me think that I really really have some problems and people helps me on it. Please just make your self comfort because it's goin' to be long to read, and please set up your tea.

I'm confused. I don't know who I am, what I want, what I aimed for, what am I livin' for, am I making an excuses?

Since July, Summer, good times. I felt hollow all the time. You know? When you found out your self in the midle of classes and there is something kickin' your ass soo bad and something forces you to explode unidentify creatures out of your chest. We know chest doesn't have any holes to makes a thing come up? Feels like there is something holding your breathe, folding your lung, I don't know how to explain what was happening inside me because when I did explaining, it's worse.

I don't want to be like this. School, daily basic, daily routines, daily bla bla blah. I want to get out, I want to quit. I want to stop every single thing causing this to be happening. I've lost my ardent to beauty, to be seen, to be pretty, to be smarter, to be loved, to be knew, to be 'thin' (I gained two pounds this week & there is nothing to makes me stop eating something expensive and unhealthy, such as, have you heard lasagna? Mozarela? Pizza? France bread? Spaghetti Aldente?), to be skinner, to be clean as hell, to be fuck. Please don't be any attention of any my rough desprate languange okay? I really need to be explodes.

School has been shit this whole time, I don't really want it. I want to work, earning money, livin' in the world with my own rules are above me and there's nothing can ruled me to be other rules execpt mine. I want to be free, in the moment I just can't find what free is. Is free meant to be that way or free is meant not to be that way? After all, I can't find my dictionary. Lost.

I'll be back soon. 

(An email to friend)

Ruin Is A Gift

“Dear David

We haven’t had any communication in a while, and it’s given me time I needed to think. Remember when you said we should live with each other be unhappy so we can be happy.

Consider it as testimony to how much I love you that I spend so long pouring myself into that offer trying to make it work.

But, a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day, it’s called Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house its remains.

When the barbarian came in, they trashed it along with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome first true great empiror, how can he even imagine that, Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day will be in ruins.

It’s one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up and around it over centuries; feels like a precious wound, like a heart break you won’t let go off, as it hurt too good.

We all wanted things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change, things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it’s endured, the way it’s been adapted, burned, pillaged and found the way itself to build up again. And I was reassured maybe my life has’t been so chaotic it’s just the world it is and the real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city, the Augusteum showed me we must always be prepared for endless ways of transformation. Both of us deserves better than staying together. Because we are afraid we’ll be destroyed if we don’t.”

- Eat Pray Love -

Where Are You?

I often to think all of my shit is not permanent. It does. Life is not permanent either. Today I skipped class and prefer to had a lunch with my girl, let say her name was Uli. She was with her another friend, Kokom. After boring first conversation between me and Kokom I found out he was my junior at the college. He told me once he saw me and he recognized me as well, because my friend Uli was already told him about me, as well. We connected.

After lunch, we drove to the mall of proud we only can find here, and yes we did. Uli, she was my friend since we were in midle school, we were desk mate and I feel like we were until now everytime she sat next to me. We shared miscellaneous of our stupid youth life.

It gets me sooo open-minded. And it continues when I got home. And I started to blogging this blog, as my bizarre online diary as ‘blog’. And I started writting. And I started to think I can do anything online, none’s ever would care about how I was or how I look like. This is online, bro.

Please stop me. It was one of my weaknesses when someone or something interupted me and start new things: crazy.

I was boring to my life. I’ve been feeling this way since the first day of July. It’s been two months and I haven’t make any progressment since new year. I used to be the most resolution girl in the whole world. I love making plans, that was what I’m doing to prepare anything. Now, I’m lost. I left my journal book filling with my financial reports and plans, to-do lists, ideas, home works, schedules, anything. I’ve lost them. Every single day is getting worse. Sometimes I went to fashion websites which is refilled my ardent at the moment. Now, I went to fashion websites I felt nothing. There is no that ‘flush’ anymore. Where are they? It’s getting me frustated and worried, am I losing everything?

And yes. I screwed up. My friendship, family relations, my girls nite out, my sleepover nights, my pleasure of vacations, my excitment of telling someone about what happened last night, my school, my grades, my Twitter account, my long list of traitors with my own version. It sounds pathetic. I don’t want to be. I used to say to everyone, passion is number one. Passion is what makes you live today. Today, I’ve lost one. The only one solution is my self. How I look to ‘this’ does matter. This, is my problems. Oh boy. I have a problems. I woke up this morning and hollow. The entire room is big jerk hollow. Where is the suppress? Where is the rush? Where is the refutal? Where is the mutiny? Where is the rockstar? Where are they?

I can’t feel my confidence is soaring. Assertive? Where are you? Flirty? Where the heck are you?

Some people suggested to see a psychiatrist. 

I don’t need one of them, yet.

Day In The Life - Day One

I have this strange feelings since the first day of school on September 2nd, all my excitment to school, sitting there and listen to the front men / women spoke explaining somethin’ for my future anyhow... is gone. I can’t find it, it lost, I might I left it somewhere where I left them there to die. I burried it soo deep. I don’t want to school everyday, or I am in the complex things which there’s no both side as ‘true’ or ‘false’ anymore. Everythings are my own. In a good way, nothing can stop me.

I have seen strange vision that made me to looking to my self in the mirror, alone, and think: what do you want?

I skipped classes, most of them just the typical things, usual things, it happens all the time, I drove my bike, jacket, driving mask, socks, gloves, helmet and stopped to get some water, and I queued to get enter card. Five days a week. Sometimes library is a good idea, not to reading a book, to be alone.

One thing kept me to stay and be there forever to success,,, mother.

Why Bizarre?

Hello.

As you can see this blog is my diary, personal diary filled bizarre things of my daily basic. It's trully diary and please don't be any attention of my diary. You like it, read, if you don't, then close the tab.