As you can see I'm very good when people had problems and somehow
I donated my very own solution and stuff. Now, I needed one. I don't know where
to go. I have been seeing some people who good at it but it's getting me
suppressed everytime I came to see them and they put me to 'she had problems'
box. It's kinda makes me think that I really really have some problems and
people helps me on it. Please just make your self comfort because it's goin' to
be long to read, and please set up your tea.
I'm confused. I don't know who I am, what I want, what I aimed
for, what am I livin' for, am I making an excuses?
Since July, Summer, good times. I felt hollow all the time. You
know? When you found out your self in the midle of classes and there is something
kickin' your ass soo bad and something forces you to explode unidentify
creatures out of your chest. We know chest doesn't have any holes to makes a
thing come up? Feels like there is something holding your breathe, folding your
lung, I don't know how to explain what was happening inside me because when I
did explaining, it's worse.
I don't want to be like this. School, daily basic, daily routines,
daily bla bla blah. I want to get out, I want to quit. I want to stop every
single thing causing this to be happening. I've lost my ardent to beauty, to be
seen, to be pretty, to be smarter, to be loved, to be knew, to be 'thin' (I
gained two pounds this week & there is nothing to makes me stop eating
something expensive and unhealthy, such as, have you heard lasagna? Mozarela?
Pizza? France bread? Spaghetti Aldente?), to be skinner, to be clean as hell,
to be fuck. Please don't be any attention of any my rough desprate languange
okay? I really need to be explodes.
School has been shit this whole time, I don't really want it. I
want to work, earning money, livin' in the world with my own rules are above me
and there's nothing can ruled me to be other rules execpt mine. I want to be
free, in the moment I just can't find what free is. Is free meant to be that
way or free is meant not to be that way? After all, I can't find my dictionary.
Lost.
I'll be back soon.
(An email to friend)